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Not quite science

DON'T READ THESE unless it's OK to laugh out loud! These comments come from
test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by
elementary, junior high, high school, and college students and compiled at
the NEA Life Sciences Symposium, Kansas City,Kansas.

As the originator noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our
young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades." Please
note that the original spelling has been left intact.

1. "The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the
   abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the
   heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels,of which
   there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

2. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
   state."

3. "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

4. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
   tube."

5. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

6. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
    Hydrogin is gin and water."

7. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

8. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

9. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
   expectoration."

10."The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

11."Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
   the bull."

12."Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
   perspire."

13."A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

14."Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

15."The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

16."The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
   the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something
   to hitch meat to."

17."A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
   molars, and eight cuspidors."

18."The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
   towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors
   a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

19."A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
   is."

20."Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

21."Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

22."Liter: A nest of young puppies.

23."Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

24."Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

25."Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

26."Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

27."Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

28."Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
   or negative."

29."To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

30."For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart
   stops."

31."For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
   recovered,then kill it."

32."For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your
   throat."

33."To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.