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Dilbertisms

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are some of the submissions:


1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken  next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.  (This was the
winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in  Redmond, WA)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business.  (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it.  (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) 6. Doing it
right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No  one will believe
you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months.
Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you    know when it's time
to tell them.  (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3MCorp.)

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal  that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and
she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of
Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what  'I'
say."(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for  Monday. When
I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on
the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could  change  her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."  (Shipping
Executive, FTD Florists)

10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is  not
going to discuss it with the employees.  (AT&T Lone Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying,  "This is
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
mentioned above."  (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow  would be soon
enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have  waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!"  (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

13.As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the  body of
the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical  approach" used
by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the  memo to the
executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's  office, and
was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the  building by lunch.
When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't  stand for "perverts"
(pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally  he  showed me her copy of
the memo, with her demand that I be fired,  with  the word "pedagogical"
circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly  reasonable, and once he
looked the word up in his dictionary and  made  a copy of the definition
to send to my boss, he told me not to  worry.  He would take care of it.
Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no
words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
used in company memos. A month  later, I resigned. In accordance with
company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words
together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

14.This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated  memo
>from a large communications company:" Lucent Technologies is endeavorily
determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of
transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative  ways  to better,
if not supercede, the expectations of quality!"