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THE IMPORTANCE OF BEER

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -Dean Martin

"THE TOP 12 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS CONSIDERING FOR BEER AND ALCOHOL BOTTLES:"

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember.)

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.