Quote for the Day
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YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT......
1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen 2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match 3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal 4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents 5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles 6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping 7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie. Olympic Dream Team I or II) 8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads 9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car 10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip) 11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light "College" by DAVE BARRY Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells. After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each: ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant. "Before I came to college I wish I had known..." That it didn't matter how late I scheduled My first class, I'd sleep through it. That I could change so much and barely realize it. That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. That college kids throw airplanes too. That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up. That every clock on campus shows a different time. That if you were smart in high school, so what? That I would go to a party the night before a final. That Chem Labs/ Architecture studios take up more time than all my other classes put together. That you can know everything and fail a test. That you can know nothing and ace a test. That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate. That Home is a great place to visit, But I wouldn't want to live there. That most of my education would be obtained outside of class. That friendship is more than getting drunk together. That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about. The free food server until 10 is gone at 9:50. That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination. That Psychology is really Biology. That biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math. That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years. That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends. That friends are what makes this place worthwhile! Don't be dismayed at good-byes, A farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends. "When I start to fade, I look around and realize that my friends are my strength to reach tomorrow."