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THE COLLEGE STUDENT TEST
By alan NEAL Address:email@example.com You might be a college student if... ...you consider 5 hours of sleep a good nights rest. ...every time you go past the alcoholic beverage section at Safeway you kneel, bow, and give praise. ...it takes a six-pack to give you a buzz. ...you constantly are into philosophical debates on whether the General Lee, or the Batmobile would win if they got in a fight. ...you are eating pizza at midnight. ...you consider a laundromat a nice place to study. ...you feel Ray Stevens is a musical genius, you might be a Redneck. ...you have three accounts with BMG under three different names other than your own. ...you think that going to lectures in all your classes, and doing three hours of homework, a full days work. ...you feel a short nap is less than two hours. ...you think a long term commitment lasts longer than a month. ...you find yourself saying, while eating really bad, cheap pizza, "This would taste a lot better with a beer." ...twice a week, you find yourself saying, "If it wasn't for the last minute nothing would get done." ...it takes you five years to do something that was supposed to take four years. ...you consider Ramen Noodles a food staple. ...you think making prank calls good clean fun. ...you avoid taking classes before 10 am. ...you consider jeans dress-up clothes. ...you hate your roommate. ...you buy Franzia wine-in-a-box, because of its extremely, competitive bang-for-the-buck value. ...you find yourself saying, about a shitty beer you've just started drinking, "Well I won't taste after the first two cans." ... you have trouble getting up before noon. ...you can quotes lines from the movies PCU, or Animal House. ...you've done anything from the Movies PCU or Animal House. ...you catch yourself saying, "You know, showing up for class you understand the material so much better." ...you can recite the entire Greek alphabet. ...you cringe or groan when someone refers to women your own age as girls. Knowing, if a woman had heard those words, that person would no longer have a face. ...you clean your room immaculately only when you have a big project due the next day. ... you've bought four books for $139 that you'll never look at again. ...you think the four basic food groups are beer, pizza, salsa, and Ramen. ...in a middle of a lecture you come back from your spacing out and realize that you have no clue what the instructor is taking about , which class you're in, and that you don't remember the instructor writing any of the words on a completely filled chalkboard. ... you don't plan your evening until 8:00 pm that night. ...it's 4:00 am and you're at Denny's. ...you are on a first name basis with your local convience store clerks. ...you think munchies are contageous. ...you've recently watched Sesame Street and enjoyed it. ...after taking a shower you always come out with a smile. ...you have caught yourself saying, "You know there's some pretty good stuff on PBS. ...you currently baked and are seeing faces in wood grain. ...you have recently not done something really simple, like clean your desk, and said, "That would require effort." ...you are paying $3500 a year to live in a shoe box size room, with another person in a building that closely resembles a prison without bars. ...in the last term a small joke has turned into a full scale joke war. ...you consider garage sales a great place to buy furniture. ...you find yourself getting excited about products or events advertised as "cheap." ... you've been seeing someone for two months and still don't know if you're going out. ...you write letters during lectures. ...you have poems that no one but you has read. ...you find yourself making lists similar to Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a Redneck..." routine. ...you have catch phrases that only you and five other people know what the hell you're talking about. ...most of clothes were purchased at Thriftstores. ... you swear more creatively now. Yeah, you can put two cuss words together; such as, fuckingshit. ...you have recently sung the entire Brady Bunch theme song with your friends. ...you've read 50 pages of a dry, boring book, which the information in this book you will never use again in your life. ...you've spent more than four hours at a stretch, on a web browser. ...it's 3 pm, you're at a class, you're still wearing your PJ's, and you don't give a damn. ...a computer game (Solitaire, Mine Sweeper, DOOM, or Xwing) has dominated your life for a week. ...you've tweaked yourself out watching unusual cartoons; such as, the Maxx, or Aeon Flux. ...letters from your parents come in big manila envelopes. ...whenever you call home your parents automatically think that you need money. ...you have your favorite pizza place's phone number memorized better than your best friend's number. ...your walls are decorated with pictures of naked and/or half-naked pictures of the opposite sex. ...now you look at high school as a complete waste of time. ...you are wery behind on current events because you sepnd so much time reading required texts. ...you only watch a couple of your favorite shows each week, and movies on tape. ...you consider pizza a breakfast food. ... your big projects don't get started until the night they're due.