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THE ACADEMIC HIERARCHY



 THE PRESIDENT:
   LEAPS TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND,
     IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A LOCOMOTIVE,
       IS FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET,
         WALKS ON WATER,
           GIVES POLICY TO GOD.

 THE VICE PRESIDENT FOR ACADEMIC AFFAIRS:
   LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND,
     IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A SWITCH ENGINE,
       IS JUST AS FAST AS A SPEEDING BULLET,
         WALKS ON WATER IF SEA IS CALM,
           TALKS WITH GOD.

 PROFESSOR:
   LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A RUNNING START AND FAVORABLE WINDS,
     IS ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS A SWITCH ENGINE,
       CAN FIRE A SPEEDING BULLET,
         WALKS ON WATER IN AN INDOOR SWIMMING POOL,
          TALKS WITH GOD IF SPECIAL REQUEST IS APPROVED.

 ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR:
   BARELY CLEARS A QUONSET HUT,
     LOSES TUG OF WAR WITH LOCOMOTIVE,
       MISFIRES FREQUENTLY,
         SWIMS WELL,
           IS OCCASIONALLY ADDRESSED BY GOD.

 ASSISTANT PROFESSOR:
   MAKES HIGH MARKS ON WALLS WHEN TRYING TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS,
     IS RUN OVER BY LOCOMOTIVES,
       CAN SOMETIMES HANDLE A GUN WITHOUT INFLICTING SELF INJURY,
         DOG PADDLES,
           TALKS TO ANIMALS.

 GRADUATE STUDENT:
   RUNS INTO BUILDINGS,
     RECOGNIZES LOCOMOTIVES TWO OUT OF THREE TIMES,
       IS NOT ISSUED AMMUNITION,
         CAN STAY AFLOAT WITH A LIFE JACKET,
           TALKS TO WALLS.

 UNDERGRADUATE AND WORK STUDY STUDENT:
   FALLS OVER DOORSTEP WHEN TRYING TO ENTER BUILDINGS,
     SAYS, "LOOK AT THE CHOO-CHOO,"
       WETS HIMSELF WITH A WATER PISTOL,
        PLAYS IN MUD PUDDLES,
          MUMBLES TO HIMSELF.

 DEPARTMENT SECRETARY:
   LIFTS TALL BUILDINGS AND WALKS UNDER THEM,
     KICKS LOCOMOTIVES OFF THE TRACKS,
       CATCHES SPEEDING BULLETS IN HER TEETH AND EATS THEM,
         FREEZES WATER WITH A SINGLE GLANCE,
           IS GOD.


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