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Beer Troubleshooting Flow Chart

   SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
   FAULT:   Glass empty.
   ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

   SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
   FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
   ACTION:  Have yourself lashed to bar.

   SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
   FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
   ACTION:  See above.

   SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
   FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
   ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

   SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
   FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
   ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

   SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
   FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
   ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house
   training.

   SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
   FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
   ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

   SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
   FAULT:   You are being carried out.
   ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

   SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
   FAULT:   Bar has closed.
   ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.

   SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
   FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
   ACTION:  Cover mouth.